VARIATIONS ON A THEME BY JOHN MILTON
You think it’s easy being God
Well, that’s just the trouble.
Let me give you an example.
I’m like, hey Gabriel, how about some tennis
He’s like, no, I think I’ll pass man.
He says he gets tired of game set match God all the time
I can’t even get up a crap game.
Who wants to shoot craps with God?
That’s where the three persons thing comes in
Where did you people get that?
Now if it was four,
We could play two-on-two basketball
The upshot is, who’d want to play
Any kind of game with me, but me?
Or is it us?
Me us, us me,
It is all one; I will sing of the sun …
I didn’t make that up
Ezra Pound made that up
But, then, I made up Ezra Pound
So you see how it is
There was only one person
Ever dumb enough to play golf with me
Lucifer … Lucie.
He used to complain
It was a girl’s name but I told him
No, angels are genderless
And anyway it means “light bearer”
And he’d say, I don’t see you bearing lights around
Like it’s my fault I can see in the dark
So he used to call himself Angel Pimp Numbah One
And I didn’t see any particular harm in it at the time
Any way, the golf game
I could see he was taking it really seriously
And I admit it I started tweaking him a little bit
Every time I got a hole in one, which was every time actually,
I’d make it thunder really loud
And whenever he’s shoot I’d play the theme music from
Six Feet Under, which would irritate him
Because he really hates that show.
So anyway, he goes down big in that golf game
Hello … I’m God
I can’t make myself lose
I mean I can and I can’t
I mean I can, but then losing becomes winning
It’s what you call a paradox
But I thought he did really well
Maybe he took this wrong but
I did like Edward G. Robinson in the Cincinnati Kid, I said
“You’re good. But you’re not good enough”
That’s when he told me to go to hell
Which … was … a big mistake.
But you know, I missed the guy
I even asked him back for another round
But he was like, No Way
So now he just sneaks around and steals my golf balls
And leaves cigarette buts all over the clubhouse
Like I wouldn’t know it was him
He was the only one who ever took up smoking up here
When he went through his rebellious phase
And started doing all these little things
Wearing his pants down really low
And I tried to tell him how silly he looked
I mean, I don’t know how much you know
About angel anatomy, but what I said was
Dude, what are you doing,
You don’t even have a butt?
So, when I think back on it
And I know you folks can do that too
But have you ever tried to think forward?
I know you think you can do that
But you know the saying
Man proposes, God disposes
Well as George Bush would have said
I’m the disposer
So what was I saying?
Oh yeah, thinking back (and forward)
I knew the guy was a trouble-maker,
So why did I let him get away with it?
And why do I let him run all over the
Neighborhood selling crack
And leading folks into carnal knowledge?
Well … here’s the thing.
Apart from its being part of my
Vast eternal plan
Until you people came along
He was the only thing that kept it
From being really boring around here.