Hello, my name is Lucifer and I am evil incarnate.
"Hi Lucifer"
I'm here because I've done a lot of bad stuff in four billion years and I'm ready to quit. In fact, I have already quit. I haven't done anything bad for 24 hours. Now, for an immortal like me, that's not very long. It's like 24 milli-microseconds to you. But it's a start. Now, some of you might say, if you're immortal then nothing is very long because time has no meaning. That's not actually true. If time had no meaning for immortal people then we couldn't schedule appointments. And believe me, if you think fomenting evil in the entire world doesn't take time management you are seriously mistaken. Time is still relevant, even if you have an infinite amount of it. Think of it as money. Bazillionaires have more money than they could possibly ever count, much less use, but they still want more. Or, take sand for example. You're sitting on a beach. In a million million lifetimes you couldn't count all the grains of sand there. But the few grains that get into your underwear will still irritate the heck out of you. Of course, you could just get naked and become one with the sand or something equally Zen-like, but eventually you'd still have to get up and shower off. And you'd probably be late for work. Oh yes, time matters. Don't kid yourself.
But I digress. The point is, my time has come, and I intend to spend the next four billion years trying to make up for the bad things I've done. Now, I realize the four billion figure is a sticking point for some of you. I know that, for some of you, getting sober or getting over your addiction to video games is this fundamentalist religious experience and if the Bible implies that the universe is only six thousand years old then, by golly, that's got to be the truth. Get over it. For one thing, the Bible doesn't say that. It's actually very vague about time (not to mention a lot of other things) in that first chapter. And secondly, who wrote the Bible? Writers wrote the Bible. Not bloggers, writers. And writers have editors. Imagine you're an editor and somebody brings you a book. It's a million chapters long, and the first nine hundred ninety-nine thousand chapters are background, much of which is about one-celled animals. "Look, I love it, but we're going to have to shorten it a little bit. No, I promise it will not compromise the integrity of the plot, which you do finally get down to here in the last few dozen chapters. It'll actually be a lot more poetic. Yes, I know this is art. That's the point. This isn't a science textbook. Your readers are a bunch of wandering sheepherders. They are not paleontologists. There are no paleontologists, not for another few thousand years. You make this something that the average reader can understand, and I guarantee you'll have one of these in every hotel room. You can keep the violence. People love violence. And the dirty poem. Okay, Okay, it's not a dirty poem. That was a badly chosen word. It's erotic. But what I'm telling you is that stuff is great. You put in all that stuff about amoebas and people are going to get bored before they get to the good stuff. Yes, yes, the dinosaur bits are kind of interesting, especially for your younger readers. I'll tell you what. We'll do a sequel. With the dinosaurs. We'll call it King David Meets Godzilla. Trust me, this is going to be big."
How do I know it went like that? I was there. All right, I was the editor. I was just doing my job. I was evil incarnate, and I thought people would be easier to manipulate if we kept facts to a minimum. I'm very good at my job. Who knew that some people would still be clueless? But I'm going to change things. And I know I can't do it on my own. I need to appeal to a higher power. That's why I'm going to become a consultant.
Anyway, thanks for your support. It's been 24 hours and 15 minutes now. I hope I haven't bored you. That would be evil.
